JoKe TiMe!

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:11 am

guro: may quiz tayo ngayon fill in the blanks
Old macDonald has a Blank ano ito?
Fidel: Ma'am Car!
Guro: Mali ikaw naman Gloria
Gloria: Ma'am House
Guro: Mali ikaw Erap
Erap: Ma'am ang dali naman ng tanong nyo, Farm ang sagot Ma'am

Guro : Magaling erap Spell Farm

Erap: Ma'am Ee-ya- ee-ya-yo

lol!

:cheers:

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:14 am

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.

When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

lol!

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:22 am

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:22 am

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ea r and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:23 am

There were two nuns...
>
> One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
>
> and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
>
> It is getting dark and they are still far away from
> the convent.
>
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following
> us for
> the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
> what he wants.
>
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
> minutes
> at the most! What can we do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to
> walk faster.
>
> SM: It's not working.
>
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
>
> logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
>
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
> us in one minute.
>
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You
> go that way and
> I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>
>
> Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
> worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
>
> Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
> Tell me what happened!
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened.
> The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
>
> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to
> run
> as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as
> he could.
>
> SM: And?
>
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
>
> SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress
> up.
>
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his
> pants.
>
>
>
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
> A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with
> his pants down.
>
> And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
>
> I'll pray for you!

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:23 am

Interbyu ng Consul ang isang Arabo sa US Embassy...

Consul: Your name, please?
Arabo: Abdul Aziz!
Consul: Sex?
Arabo: Six times a week.
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arabo: both male and female sometimes even camel.
Consul: Oh my, holy cow!
Arabao: Yes, cows and dogs too!
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Arabo: Hostile, dogstyle any style!
Consul: Oh dear!
Arabo: Deer? No deer! They run fast!

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:24 am

Isang eroplano lumilipad papuntang Arabia. Mangyari yong eroplano ay sobrang bigat ng karga, kailangan magbawas sila nang mga kargamento at kung hindi tiyak na babagsak ito sa dagat. Marami na ang itinapon na bagahe pero, mabigat parin at wala ng paraan kundi tao ang magsakripisyo. Tatlong ka tao ang dapat tumalon para itoy makalipad na normal. Tinanong ang Piloto sa mga tao kung sino ang gustong maging HERO.
UNANG volunteer JAPON:
Tell my family that I love theme so much..BANZAI JAPAN....

So tumalon ang Japon at naging isang HERO.

SECOND Volunteer AMERICANO:
This is it. Remember me America...VICTORY

So tumalon ang Americano at naging isang HERO.

THIRD Volunteer PILIPINO:

Tatalon na sana yong pinoy, pero may isang Arabo na nakaharang sa may pintuan at pinanonood niya yong dalawang taong tumalon mula sa eroplano at tumatawa pa. Dahil sa bwisit itong pinoy sa Arabo, may ibang naisip itong pinoy. Itoy lumingon sa mga pasahero kung may nakatingin sa kanila.... wala. Kaya ang ginawa yong pinoy itinulak niya yong Arabo at sabay sabing....

MABUHAY ANG PILIPINAS

Kaya yong pinoy ay naging isa din HERO. Sila ang magigiting na bayani.

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:24 am

DALAWANG MAG-KAIBIGAN PAREHONG LASING PAUWI NA GALING INUMAN. HABANG SILAY NAGLALAKAD MAY NAKITA SA DAAN YONG ISANG LASING AT SABI NIYA SA KASAMA NIYA AY:

LASING 1-----PARE IWAS, MAY TAENG KALABAW BAKA MAPAKAN MO.
LASING 2-----HINDI TAE YAN PARE, CAKE YAN
LASING 1-----TAE YAN PARE, SABI KO EH!
LASING 1-----HINDI PARE CAKE YAN! HALIKA AT TIKMAN NATIN
LASING 2-----PARE HINDI YATA CAKE ITO MAY AMOY EH!
LASING 1-----DI TIKMAN NATIN ULI.

HALOS MAUBOS NA NILA SA KAKATIKIM HINDI PARIN NILA ALAM KUNG ANO YON.

LASING 1-----TARA NA PARE BALIKAN NALANG NATIN BUKAS.
LASING 2-----SIGI PARE MABUTI PA NGA DAHIL HINDI NATIN ALAM KONG CAKE ITO O TAENG KALABAW.

KINABUKASAN PINUNTAHAN ANG MAGKUMPARE.

lASING 1-----PARE SABI KO NA NGA EH! TAENG KALABAW ITO. BUTI NALANG HINDI NATIN NAAPAKAN KAGABI!

by **J E F F R E Y** Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:25 am

ISANG BARKO NA PATUNGONG PALAWAN ANG LUMUBOG, SAKAY NITO
SI JUAN NA ISANG KUBA, HINDI MALAMAN ANG GAGAWIN HABANG
LUMULUBOG ANG BARKO KAYA'T SIYA AY NAIWANAN NG LIFE BOAT...

PALUTANG-LUTANG SYA SA DAGAT SA LOOB NG LIMANG ARAW...

Juan: Wala na akong pag asang mabuhay pa,
napakalupit ng mundong ito!
Kasalanan ko ba na maging kuba???

(Litanya nya habang sya ay nagpapalutang lutang sa dagat)

IKA ANIM NA ARAW... MAY MGA PATING NA PAPALAPIT NA SA KANYA

Juan: Sige pating, kainin nyo na ako, tutal wala ng
kwenta ang buhay ko!!! Kainin nyo na ako!!!

SA KANYANG PAGTATAKA, BIGLANG NAG ALISAN ANG MGA PATING
KAYAT SINIGAWAN NYA ANG MGA ITO HABANG PAPALAYO....

Juan: Mga pating!!! San kayo pupunta??!! Kainin nyo
na ako!!!! Kainin nyo na ako!!! Wala ng halaga
ang buhay ko!!!!

Mga Pating: Aya nmin sa iyo!!! TURTLE KA!!! TURTLE KA!!!!

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:54 am

by **GeevS** Mon Dec 15, 2008 10:41 am

by **GeevS** Mon Jan 12, 2009 11:39 am

by **love** Fri Jan 23, 2009 7:11 pm

ehehehe... nice jowk ah ^_^

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:13 am

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:17 am

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

yehey

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Jan 25, 2009 10:17 am

track a cell phone location using GPS

http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Mar 15, 2009 10:19 am

Erap dreamed that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai-ai delas Alas as partner, saying, 'Kung mabait ka sana , mas maganda ang partner mo.' Erap saw Chavit with Gretchen Barretto and said, 'Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?' St. Peter: Iho, parusa yan kay Gretchen.

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:55 am

A first-grade teacher, Ms Pasensyosa was having trouble with one of her

students, "Boy Bibo, what is your problem?"

Boy Bibo answered, "I'm too smart for the grade 1. My sister is in the
grade 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the grade 3
too!"

Ms. Pasensyosa had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While Boy waited, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms Pasensyosa that he would give Boy
Bibo a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he will
remain in grade 1 and behave. Ms Pasensyosa agreed.
Boy Bibo was brought inside the pricipal's office and the conditions
were explained to him and Boy Bibo agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy Bibo: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy Bibo: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a grade 3
student should know. The principal looks at Ms. Pasensyosa and tells
her, "I think Boy Bibo can go be grade 3."
Ms. Pasensyosa says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy Bibo both agree.

Ms Pasensyosa: 1) "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy Bibo: Legs

Ms Pasensyosa: 2) "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
Boy Bibo: Pockets

Ms Pasensyosa: 3) "What starts with a "C" and ends with a "T", is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy Bibo: Coconut

Ms Pasensyosa: 4) "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy Bibo was taking charge.
Boy Bibo: Bubblegum

Ms Pasensyosa: 5) "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Boy Bibo: Shake hands

Ms Pasensyosa: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy Bibo: Yup!

Ms Pasensyosa: 6) "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up. I get wet before you do. What am i?"
Boy Bibo: Tent

Ms Pasensyosa: 7) "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first. What am i?"
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large glass
of water.
Boy Bibo: Wedding Ring

Ms Pasensyosa: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good. What am i?"
Boy Bibo: Nose

Ms Pasensyosa: 9) "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with
a quiver. What am i?"
Boy Bibo: Arrow

Ms Pasensyosa: 10) "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy Bibo: Firetruck

Ms Pasensyosa: 11) "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you
don't get it you have to use your hand?"
Boy Bibo: Fork

Ms Pasensyosa: 12) "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on
some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to
his wife after they're married?"
Boy Bibo: Surname

Ms Pasensyosa: 13) "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles,
has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy Bibo: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:57 am

Reincarnation

As always! Madaling araw na naman nakauwi si Rikardo galing sa inuman at lasing na lasing. Pagdating nya ay tulog na ang kanyang misis kaya tumabi nalang sya sa kama at natulog na rin. Kinaumagahan, Sa muling pagmulat ng mata ni Rikardo ay nakita nya na ang katabi ay isang lalaki, bigla syang nagulat at bumangon!

Rikardo: Sino ka! At ano ginagawa mo dito sa Kwarto namin?!

San Pedro: Huminahon ka Rikardo. Hindi ito ang kwarto nyo
at ako ay si San Pedro

Rikardo: Ha? Kung ganon patay na ako!

San Pedro: Ganon na nga iho.

Rikardo: HINDI! HINDI ITO PWEDE! Ang dami ko pang hindi
nagagawa ang dami ko pang naiwan sa mundo! Maawa ka San Pedro pabalikin mo ako sa lupa kahit manlang para makapagpaalam sa mga mahal ko sa Buhay!

San Pedro: Teka Huminahon ka. Hindi ka na pwede bumalik
bilang ikaw pero pwede kita I reincarnate bilang isang inahing manok o bayawak!

Rikardo: mmmm kung bayawak baka mapatay uli agad ako.
Inahing manok nalang po San Pedro, pero ilagay nyo po ako dun sa bukid namin para maging malapit ako sa pamilya ko!

San Pedro: OK pagbibigyan ko ang kagustuhan mo

At muling nabuhay si Rikardo bilang isang inahing manok.
Nakita nya ang sarili na puno ng balahibo at kasama nya ang ibang mga inahing manok sa bukid nila. Kinausap sya ng isa pang inahing manok na si Susy

Rikardo: Whew, isa na akong manok ganito pala ang feeling.
Teka bakit parang umiinit ang tyan ko at kumukulo?

Susy: Ikaw ba yung bagong manok dito? Ganyan talaga ang
pakiramdam kapag malapit ka na mangitlog. Magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo syang dumaloy.

Rikardo: Ano? Mangingitlog ako!!. Oo nga pala inahin nga
pala ako kaya normal lang siguro yun.

Kahit medyo kinakabahan si Rikardo ay sinunod nya si Susy
at nailabas nya ang unang itlog. Matapos mailabas ang itlog ay gminhawa ang pakiramdam ni Rikardo.

Rikardo: Wow ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mangitlog,
napakasarap! Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito, Para akong isang ina na nagsilang ng sangol napakasarap, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito....Pero teka bakit parang meron pa?

Susy: Hwag ka mag-alala di tulad ng tao, tayong mga manok
kaya natin mangitlog ng isa hangang walo, kaya magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo silang lumabas

Rikardo: Ganon ba? O sige. Maraming salamat Susy! Hindi ko
maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko pero totoong nakaka-antig ng damdamin.

At muli nanaman nagitlog si Rikardo. Gumaan muli ang
pakiramdam nya napangiti at nasabi nya sa sarili nya na ito ang
pinakamasarap na naramdaman nya sa buong buhay nya kahit na noon namumuhay pa sya bilang isang tao, Halos mapaluha sya sa galak. Naghahanda na sanang ilabas ni Rikardo ang pangatlo nyang itlog ng biglang may matigas na bagay na pumalo sa ulo nya at may narinig syang malakas na sigaw.

Misis: Hoooy! Gumising kang Demonyo ka! Lasing ka na naman at bakit ka ba tumatae sa kama !!!

by **J E F F R E Y** Sun Mar 22, 2009 10:00 am

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years
and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate
in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex
anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I
watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!"
but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that
it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were
$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica .. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed
Rich As H_e_l_l and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my
sister, was born Carlos. I hope that's not a problem.